John had been staying in a single room on campus for most of his university life. However, during his last semester he was allocated to a double room and was told that his roommate would be an Indian male student. Initially he was sure that he would get along with his roommate very well. They were from the same faculty, and he thought that would make them bond more easily.
When John first started sharing a room with Kumar, he felt that he couldn’t have asked for a better roommate. Kumar was funny and charismatic. He even helped John to collect hall meals on several occasions when John had classes.
But after a week, John began to feel strained. Being an orderly person, he could not stand Kumar cluttering the room with his stuffs. Furthermore, Kumar had a bad habit of slamming the door loudly. It did not help that Kumar was a nocturnal person. Many times John was startled awake in the middle of the night by the sound of door slamming.
Soon after, John’s sleeping quality deteriorated. He was having troubles focusing in class and always felt tense when he returned to their messy room. Even though he tidied up the room every now and then, Kumar always managed to mess up the room again later. Also, he couldn’t help but feel that perhaps Kumar was taking advantage of his willingness to clean the room.
Fed up, John confronted Kumar one day. To which Kumar responded flippantly, “Relax dude, you are such a neat freak!” He also insisted that he didn’t slam the door and that John was silly to get startled so easily. John was so angry that he walked out on him.
If you were John, what would you have done?
Sup Stella,
ReplyDeleteI think Kumar is flippant with John, no doubt, but John is even more flippant with himself. John needs to not ignore his emotions and feelings and shut a lid on it, for that is the most dangerous thing in the world. It can erupt into a fiery even murderous ending if the emotional pressure exceeds a limit.
Therefore John needs to----not act in the patronizing kumar is doing with him, but rather to be effective, I would say he needs to throw in a completely different demeanour---one not of retreat or timidity, but that of humility but with confidence.
John should continue to sweep the floor and dust the vanes, clear the piles and make even Kumar's bed, if only so that if he does it long enough, Kumar will be touched by his amazing humility and quiet confidence and automatically tries to reciprocate and give in to John's own requests. It will happen naturally, because Kumar, if he is sensible enough, will be touched by the DEEP LOVE John exhibits.
Of course John needs to ask himself if he truely LOVES KUMAR, not as in a boy to a girl kinda love or otherwise, but as in AGAPE and UNCONDITIONAL love, then he will TOLERATE, FORGIVE and continue to tolerate and forgive more; because AGAPE or UNCONDITIONAL love is PATIENT, KIND, UNDERSTANDING, FORGIVING, CARING, TOLERATES ALL EVILS and HOPES ETERNALLY or FOREVER. If John really exhibited such a love to Kumar, he should have an infinite amount of hope that Kumar will one day will change and by that alone, John will NEVER FEEL PISSED OFF OR UPSET WITH KUMAR!!!!!!!!!!Kumar will in turn fall in love with John and will be curious about such a love John possesses and will also want to know about it.
The real issue with John, when I write all the above stuff above love and all, is an issue with his mind/psyche/soul/spirit/heart/nature. Because if John were to have the psyche/soul of Mother Theresa, he couldnt, however hard he wanted, think of the least bad thing about Kumar. John couldnt tell that Kumar had banged the door, rather if John had the heart of Mother Theresa, he would think this: "Oh man, Kumar must have had a great day today," and accordingly feel pleasure for Kumar rather than hurt/pain/anguish when he hears the loud banging sound of the door. Do you see as I see Stella. The whole world is in our minds!!!!!! We make our own days; we make our own joys as much as hurts.
The real issue with John, is of course interpersonal, no doubt, but I would say in this case it is more intrapersonal. It has got to do with his heart/mind/soul/spirit/nature/psyche, and if he masters these, he CONTROLS KUMAR, NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND, OR SO HE THINKS NOW!!!!!!!! How does he control Kumar? He should do the above that I say, those with regards to how to love! Because knowing how to love is consistent with a strong intrapersonal hardwire.
Cheers
Hi Stella,
ReplyDeleteInteresting post! I'm sure this problem has plagued lots of people throughout their stays in hostel. From my point of view, Kumar seems to be the kind of person who is laid back and doesn't listen to advice. I would suggest that John have a good talk with Kumar over the multiple conflicts. While Kumar is kind of 'rebellious', the scenario suggests that he appreciates John's company too. Thus, maybe a thinly veiled threat about leaving the room might work.
Failing that however, a more 'cruel' way would be that John simply draws a line across the room, separating it into his and Kumar's half, and proceed to simply ignore whatever is happening in the other half. Seeing the difference in tidiness between his and John's half might finally convince Kumar to listen to what his room mate has to say.
Lastly, if the problems cannot be settled between them, perhaps seeking advice from a neutral party (another hall mate, someone in charge of hall matters) would help in resolving any unhappiness between them?
Just my two cents worth. Cheers!
Hello Stella, if I was John, I would try to do other things to calm myself down first. It can be emotionally draining after a conflict and "taking a break" from it would be a wise thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI will discuss with Kumar about the issues such as tidiness and the noise at night, and how it is affecting my sleep. This is different from a confrontation where either one or both might feel stressed out. Both will have to compromise so as to resolve this problem; Kumar will have to be more tidy and less noisy and I will have to give time for Kumar to change for the better.
If the problem still persists, I might consider getting help from the 'In-Charge' for the hostels, and maybe changing rooms might be a better solution. (:
This is an excellent post, Stella, one in which you adhere to all the 7Cs and present a classic example of interpersonal conflict: roommate problems. Your description is very well done. However, should I assume that John is local? Chinese? Eurasian? Non-Singaporean? And I wonder whether or not nationality has anything to do with the problem or a potential outcome.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, thank you for sharing!
Thank you all for the comments.
ReplyDelete@mark: John did continue to "love" Kumar (as in tolerate him), but then he was still relieved when the semester was over :)
@jake: actually at the start of the semester both John and Kumar did agree to have an invisible line drawn in order to split the room into 2 parts. Just that sometimes Kumar doesn't really adhere to it and John simply couldn't ignore the mess on the other side,hahaha...
@luqman: I don't think they ever really discussed about it after that. Since it was John's last semester, he thought he would just bear with Kumar for the semester.
@brad: thank you for your compliment! :D John is a Malaysian chinese. I think it's due to their different cultural backgrounds and how they were brought up that caused the problem?